Thursday, 21 March 2013

God's relentless pursuit of me

There are some words that I really find interesting. PURSUIT is one of them. Some of the meanings I got for it were, to chase, to hunt, to track down. Those are pretty serious words. I recall a time when I was 9 years old. Men used to hunt, in the village I lived in. They would track down their game for endless hours, without stopping. Until, they had captured it, then they would stop their pursuit. Watching them, I could tell it was a lot of work. They would at times pass by my mom’s place thirsty, and panting from exhaustion but they continued their pursuit.

And to think of God as a God who pursues me relentless is amazing.  Throughout my life, God has pursued me—relentlessly.  In fact, I was not even aware that God was seriously pursuing. He never gave up on me. Not even a single time. Even after I said yes to Him, he continues to pursue me when I go astray. That is pretty big. Very big.

My life since I surrendered to Christ has had its share of big ups and downs. The downs usually come with a serious nose dive. On several occasions I want to hide from God and just be mad at Him for a very long time. My living situation, my everyday challenges are not very encouraging to let me stick very close at times. I often feel like I want to let go.  At least a dozen times I have pleaded with God for help, sometimes adding, “I’m doing most of these things so I can serve you better.”

Despite my prayers, a lot has not changed; some times my situation gets even worse.  Initially I had a habit of finding my own hiding place, where I thought I would find quietness. Well, even in that so called quietness, I always felt anything but peaceful. I usually just lie down, and review my situation to no end. I have grown tired of scraping money together every month and never having anything left over. Saving for bad days ahead is usually a joke. Sometimes looking at some people I know, I get mixed thoughts. Am I not doing something right? What do I have to do to change my current situation? My friends usually tell me to wait on God. Some times I wonder, what that means. A few good friends are serving God while pursuing lucrative careers.

This tension has been building for far too long. No matter how carefully I try to manage what I have, unexpected things just sneak in. For perhaps a few minutes I grumble about all of heaven’s mistreatment. God why??? The whys and whens are usually very overwhelming.  Others don’t have these problems!!!!!

God however does not get mad at me and just leave me there because I am being one spoilt brat, who forgets easily how far He has loved me and sought my wandering heart. He continues to pursue my heart. He makes me feel restless in my wandering and then I have to stop and look back. It is in those moments that I know I need to talk to God. That He is there and He will forgive my unbelief and He Knows. Yes, He knows. 

Sometimes, I look at my son, and I see a whole story of redemption just in front of me. I called my son Hosea, for very many reasons. One, Hosea means Salvation or deliverance. In other contexts it is used to mean redemption. I look at my life way back before I gave my life to Christ; I realize that I did not deserve God’s pursuit of me. What could I possibly offer? I was a mess. But he sought me with His life. I remember that, and I know that no amount of problems in my life can ever make it worth me running from God. His salvation, redemption, deliverance is way bigger than these problems (if only I would stop wandering and grumbling!!!)

But does that mean that I will have it right always? No, not at all. I keep failing over and over and the running away from God happens again and again. I want to scream sometimes at My God often when I feel that he has smacked me with a sharp left hook. I want to not care sometimes about God and just find my own way but I can’t gamble on my salvation and that of my son.  This is not easy. No, it isn't. I feel kind of trapped. With few options which all point in one direction. That the only place to hide is in God. I am Penned in. God won’t let me go no matter what I want.

 “Even when I want to get away from you, you won’t let me go, will you?”

As I ponder on my own words, I get it inside my head. It clicks and i feel it. Tears fill my eyes, and an overpowering sense of gratitude engulfs me. God would not let me go. Even when I do not want to follow, God still loves me and wants me.  I have known people in my life who easily gave up on me because I displeased them; some even disowned me and totally hate me. But God (whom I keep attempting to run way from), never lets me off the hook that easy! For this I silently give thanks for the unrelenting love that refuses to let me run away. I remember a song that is sometimes sung at my church, it is pretty amazing, “You never let go, through the calm and through the storm….” That is what He does; He is relentless in His search for the one He loves. My prayer is that God will forgive me for failing to realize how much He loves me. And I pray that I will always remember that God wants me so much. For that reason I never want to ever pry loose the divine arms that hugged me tightly.

Even in my wandering, till the end of the day God has continued to see me through my trouble; often providing for me even when I least expect anything. I am not saying that my troubles have gone away. No, they are still so much present and I am very disturbed by them but God has used circumstances and people to show me He is there.  

Reason I am sharing this story is because I am aware of the God who pursues and pursues. He is relentless in His pursuit of us. Because we are precious to Him, He won’t let go. God won’t let me go. Even though I haven’t always rejoiced in that fact, sometimes arguing and screaming, I’m thankful that God hasn’t stopped the divine quest for me. I also know that as long as I live, God will relentlessly pursue me to complete sanctification.
This is true for each of us, and it means that if we pause and listen, we’ll hear the divine whisper, the love call, the sweet promises, and the tender voice that beckons us onward. It’s the Unyielding Savior who accepts us as we are, yet never allows us to remain as we are.

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